“My mother died eight years ago and only now have I decided to delete her number from my contacts. As if, by keeping her number, we kept her a little longer. This is so irrational! » The confidence is that of the actress Isabelle Mergault. His post on
“This number is proof that my grandmother existed, that she was there, that she was reachable,” says Sabrina, reader of 20 Minutes who responded to our call for testimonies, when Amandine, who lost her mother two years ago, wonders: “is this a way of hiding the face or mourning? »
The telephone as a “place of contemplation”
It is above all a way of “maintaining the permanence of this link in the symbolism, the imagination when it is physically and emotionally broken in real life” after a death, analyzes clinical psychologist Robert Zuili, specialist in emotions. And the author of Power of links to add: “some people, anchored in reality, will delete contact for practicality, others will keep the number because they forget to delete it or because it represents an emotional value. »
“It’s stupid but that’s how I kept him with me a little longer,” explains Cathy, whose husband died suddenly four months ago. Same feeling on Jocelyne’s side: it’s as if her loved ones “were always there, as if they were going to call me at any time, as if I could call them at any time”.
Alain, for his part, considers these few numbers in his phone as a “place of contemplation”. Laurie even leaves her father’s phone, who died suddenly, “always on on the kitchen counter the way he used to put it, as if at any moment he would come home and use it.”
“Be careful to stay in reality”
However, we must be “careful to stay in reality,” warns Robert Zuili. “It is up to everyone to determine whether this number does more good or harm and to understand why we want to keep it,” continues the psychologist, who advises “deleting the number, exchanges or voice messages if the person in question suffers.”
For Robert Zuili, listening to audio recordings of a deceased person “can be the translation of denial”. Because “to hear the voice again, to create the illusion that the other still exists, is to take the risk of not allowing yourself to detach yourself,” analyzes the specialist. Is this the case of Hélène who listens to the voice messages from her deceased mother’s email “to be sure not to forget her voice”? “It’s a little box of memories that I open when I need it. », she explains to us. Is this also the case for Cindy who listens to “daddy’s voice” with her daughters when they ask?
“Allow yourself to grieve”
“Some will keep a piece of jewelry, others will keep the telephone number,” as Robert Zuili says, and Rosellini spoke at length with her son and “offered him to take his grandmother’s number” . Déborah went further by paying every month for the telephone subscription of her brother who died in a car accident: “keeping his line is a way for me to preserve a tiny piece of his life. »
However, insists Robert Zuili, we must “allow ourselves to mourn and bring out nostalgia, which is the positive version of sadness… Which is only possible when we no longer suffer intensely from the disappearance on the other.” Would this be possible for Noémie? “Deleting his number would make me feel like I lost (my uncle) again. » And for Raphaël? “(This number) is all I have left so I’m not going to intentionally erase any memories. It would be like burning photos with her,” says this 26-year-old from Montpellier.
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“I often feel the need to write, to tell about my life, my joys, my sorrows, the new developments in my life, my conscience issues” to “my best friend, my sister at heart as we liked to call ourselves”, explains Yaëlle to 20 Minutes. A yaëlle who would be on the right… voice. Because to best cut the line, Robert Zuili assures that it is necessary to “express in writing everything that we were not able to say to the person during their lifetime”.
